You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
