there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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