i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
