i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
