For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
