I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
