How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
