i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
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