Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
