Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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