Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
