She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
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