He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
