after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
