My sheets look like a crime scene.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
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