Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
