I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
