worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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