I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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