Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Randomize
