I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Randomize
