Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
