Tell her she can't have a vagina
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Randomize
