It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Randomize