I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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