saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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