i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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