I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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