I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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