I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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