I hate all girls vehemently.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
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