I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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