my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
