you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
