Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
