Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize