So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
