Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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