oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
