I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
