Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
