So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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