I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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