i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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