My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He passed out mid-signature
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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