Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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