i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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