I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
