I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
You can't just leave with hair like that
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
