I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
