dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I am spending my child support on dildos
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
