Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
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