I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
