To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize