omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
