I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
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