I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
