if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
