Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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