my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
