What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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