I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
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