Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
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