Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
