My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Houston, we have a squirter
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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