I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize