I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
