i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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