When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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